Emphatic yeses!

You know that feeling when something just isn’t right? That nagging feeling like you’ve left the oven on when you’re out, or when you’re sure you’ve forgotten to get something from the store (which under current lockdown conditions is actually tragic). 

It’s funny because this is the one thing you should listen to above all other things, it’s your intuition and it’s almost never wrong. It knows you better than you know yourself, and ironically, it takes years before most of us pay it any attention at all. So many people ignore their intuition or try to talk themselves out of what it’s telling them. I often find myself trying to convince myself that “I’m just being paranoid” or “I’m probably overthinking” and second guessing myself, which is the worst thing you can do! 

Over the years I’ve gotten a lot better at listening to my intuition. It has shown me time and time again that ignoring it rarely works out in my favour. It’s the queen of “I told you so”. Literally every time I ignore it I end up mad at myself later. I’m trying to fine tune my intuition now and intentionally pay more attention to it. I’m practicing trying to quiet all the external influences we all have so many of and just base decisions on “does this feel good or bad?” and going with  my initial gut feeling.

This is kind of a life barometer that I believe should really apply to just about everything. No one knows you better than you and, in this weird lock down time, you’ve probably gotten to spend a pretty significant amount of time with yourself. This seems like a pretty good time to pay attention to what’s coming up. What do you want to do when this is all over? What do you want to change? Do you really want to go back to the job you were doing before? As I suggested in my last blog, ask yourself what’s making you feel better right now? If it’s not making you feel good, get rid of it! If you aren’t sure, try new things. Trial and error - which is kind of what life is all about anyway. A big game where we all experiment with various ways of living and working until we find the ways, people and places that suit us best. At least that’s a lot of what life has been about for me. When people say that life’s a game, I think that’s what they mean. Don’t take it so seriously when things don’t work out, just try again - and when you’re winning/on the right path, it all feels awesome. 

 I’m incredibly grateful that I can more or less proclaim my life to be a game of trial and error. I thank my lucky stars every day (I really do) that I’m from a part of the world where women are free to live their lives as they choose. Which is also one of the reasons why I know I can’t just meander down the road of life half-heartedly. If something doesn’t work for me, next! I’ll try something else. Trial and error. Practice makes perfect. Never, ever, ever give up (I’ve been saying this a lot lately). 

 I was listening to a podcast the other day and it referenced Thomas Edison and the invention of the light bulb. Though google shows quite a range of the number of attempts it actually took for Edison to invent the light bulb, it seems pretty universally agreed upon that that number of trials was at least 1,000. These attempts are like life – or at least my attempts at life. School, jobs, friends, dating, places I’ve lived, places I’ve worked, places I’ve visited etc. etc. When something didn’t work for me I moved onto the next thing. Some experiences were harder to walk away from than others of course, but that’s part of the trial and error game. And I like to think that with time we all get better at knowing what the errors are and when the trials have run their course.

I find that dating is one of the best real life examples of how to put this into practice. My friend and I were recently discussing the dating situation of one of our acquaintances – let’s call her Betty. Betty couldn’t make up her mind about the guy she was dating. When she first met him she didn’t like him at all, but he was persistent and eventually he managed to convince her to go out with him. What ensued was a situation that became almost like a sitcom to my friend and I. One week we would hear how great this guy was and how much he adored Betty and made her feel amazing, but then a week later he would drive her crazy (and not in the good way). He called her too much, he was too clingy, he was boring, he wasn’t independent enough, he wasn’t creative. He wore dorky jeans. He chewed with his mouth open and he was a slob around the house. But he was so nice and her mother adored him and he had a good job and he was a good cook…we watched Betty go in circles for weeks.

 When it was all said and done, I couldn’t help but point out that, it seemed to me like Betty’s indecision over this guy was her answer in itself. I’m at a stage in my life where being so unsure about something or someone is actually now my way of  being sure. I have come to realise that if something doesn’t instantly spark joy inside of me (thanks for the quote, Marie Kondo), if it doesn’t just click and make sense or doesn’t feel like an emphatic, all around YES, then actually, that means it’s a no. And unless it’s an emphatic yes for me, I will not run around in circles trying to figure out how I feel.

 You know how it feels when something’s right. There’s a click and it just works. Only your intuition and personal barometer can tell you what’s right for you. And I promise that if you’re listening to yourself and fine tuning your intuition skills, you will feel it. I realise that for a lot of people this might come across as a slightly whimsical and perhaps unconventional approach to life, but for me, more and more over the past few years, this has become my decision-making barometer. With dating, with jobs, with friendships and with life - if it doesn’t light me up, inspire me, support me, make me feel alive and/or generally brighten up my life in some way, then it’s probably not for me. If you don’t want to spend more time with it, then it’s not the right thing/person/friend/job/activity for you. 

 I used to really wallow in uncertainty over so many things. I was always so concerned I’d make the wrong decision and regret it - even when ordering food in a restaurant (I still struggle with this one). But generally I’ve learned over the years that uncertainty, confusion or doubt over the bigger things probably mean it’s a no, or this isn’t working anymore. If you can’t decide between the burger or the salad I can’t help you with that, but if you can’t decide if you should take the job, or go on another date with someone - I think that nine times out of ten the answer is you shouldn’t. When was the last time things worked out really well for you when you had to really talk yourself into something (other than exercise)?

 As the conversation between my friend and I reverted back to Betty’s dating scenario, my friend defended their now dissolved union saying, “Oh but he really liked her! And she really tried to like him back. She knew he would have been good to her and she really wanted to make it work.” This was the perfect time for me to explain my life barometer. I said, “Would you ever want someone you were dating to have to really try to like you back?!” No one wants that! You should never have to talk yourself into continuing to date someone and vice versa. If it’s not there, it’s not there. I told my friend, “If someone ever needs a motivational pep talk to get excited about seeing me again, then I definitely don’t want to go out with them.” 

 Is there something you've been questioning lately? Now is the time to think about these things and sort that shit out! Since we’re all just sitting here right now, trying not to overthink all the shit we can’t control, use this time wisely and think about what you can control. 

Bit by bit I’m determined to have all the main areas in my life be an emphatic yes, no matter how many trials it takes to get me there. If you’ve ever felt that ‘spark of joy’ then you know what an emphatic yes feels like. Landing the perfect job, having a once in a lifetime great idea (like the lightbulb), meeting someone you immediately click with, playing with puppies - you know what I’m talking about. You know when something feels right. It just works. It clicks. No more trials are necessary. People, places, jobs, things, experiences, ideas. When you know, you know. 

Do yourself a favour right now and in this time when so much is already out of our control, don’t be a Betty.