My friend, Hamish, recently asked me to explain to him what happiness means to me. While on the surface, initially this seemed like a simple question for me to answer, upon deeper reflection, I realised that this was not actually the easiest thing to explain.

My first logical thought was obviously, “What makes me happy?” As I pondered things that make me happy, my phone buzzed and I got a message from a certain someone. I felt a big grin spread across my face and immediately thought, THIS makes me happy! Done. I had answered Hamish’s question. I sent a screenshot of my message notification to Hamish and said, “this makes me happy :)”. Hamish’s response was more or less an eye roll, followed by “Yes, Meghan, I knoooow that makes you happy. But I was looking for something a little less obvious.”

Trying not to feel too shallow, I knew he was right. Although people can make you happy, one person or people shouldn’t ever be considered someone’s source of happiness. When another person’s words and actions become your source of happiness, then the inverse can also apply and they can then become the source of your unhappiness.  This is also the case with money, wealth and material things. Nothing external should ever be something that makes you inherently happy or unhappy. As a yogi and a meditator, I am fully aware of the notion that true happiness must come from within. Obviously, people and things can and will still affect your happiness, but neither should be something you depend on or need for happiness – and that is where the tricky part comes in.

When your happiness depends on something outside of you, this means that your emotional well-being is contingent on people or things that are outside of your control. And that is never a good way to be. The concept of attachment is something I studied intensely in my yoga training. It is one of the hardest concepts to master – in that, you must try to learn how to never become wholly dependent on something or someone outside of yourself. And if you have ever been in love, you will know full well that such a thing seems quite impossible. It is this concept where the expression, “If you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, then it was meant to be.” comes from. As good as I may have felt when I received that message from a certain someone, in stark contrast, the flip side (no message or not nice message) would have had the complete opposite effect on my mood. And that’s exactly what the lesson of attachment is about – to not let the actions, thoughts or feelings of others affect your own emotional and mental well-being.

While in theory, this concept is easy to understand, in practice, it is far more difficult. When I was younger it was definitely something I couldn’t grasp or even begin to follow through with. This is one of the reasons why I’m always so skeptical of people getting married too young. There’s so much you still don’t know about yourself when you’re young. You don’t know your boundaries yet or even what you really want and you’re still just learning what it is that makes you tick. And when you’re in love, it is the easiest thing in the world to get lost in your love for the other person, to become completely entangled with them, so much so that you lose sight of yourself and your own happiness. You forget what it is that you love (other than them) and after a while you don’t even know or remember what it is that makes you happy except for them.

If I had gotten married in my 20’s, it would have been a complete train wreck! It was in my 20’s that I was just learning all of the things that now ground me and make me whole – things that I can now, comfortably in my 30’s, attribute to to my own inner-happiness. In my 30’s, I know that I have the essential tools to give me the strength and independence I need to 1) have a healthy adult relationship where I am not afraid to say what it is that I want and to set boundaries, and 2) the strength to walk away if I need to. To never be afraid to be on my own if I know that my relationship is no longer serving me or my partner. I know that, as much as I may love my partner, if I am not complete in my own happiness, I will not be any good to them. I know what is it I need to do to check back in with myself and ground myself for the benefit of me and all of my relationships. You can love your partner, but don’t let their bad day ruin yours. You can love your house and your car, but know that if for some reason you had to sell them or give them up, you would still be a whole person without them to define you. While a lot of people might love you an awful lot, you simply have to love yourself the most.

What does happiness mean to me? Happiness means finding solutions, not discussing and hanging on to problems endlessly. Attracting the good things into my sphere of existence. Happiness is the feeling I get after I’ve meditated for 20 minutes undisturbed and I feel completely serene and relaxed. Happiness is a savasana assist at the end of a 90-minute hot power yoga class. Happiness is the beautiful light of ‘golden hour’ with my camera and endless scenery. Happiness is the feeling I get after a really good run and I know I’ll be able to conquer anything for the rest of the day. Happiness is the feeling I get when I make someone I love smile. Happiness is when I see my friends who I love so unconditionally but who are all just as ferociously independent as me – we have an honesty amongst one other that makes for the perfect combination of love and respect. Happiness is a gift that comes from a place of complete spontaneity and love, rather than a place of obligation.

If you love someone, you should always let them be free. If they love too, they will choose to be with you of their own accord. If you love a thing, remember that it is not capable of love and it will never be able to love you back. If you truly love and respect yourself, sit back and enjoy all of the beautiful things that will unfold before you as a result.